Q.My mother and I aren’t getting along. We think that I should go stay with my aunt. But my aunt and my cousins always discouraged me from following my beliefs, such as not eating pork. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to live with my aunt?

ELDER EDMOND ANSWERS: The first thing I’d like you to ask yourself is Why am I not getting along with my mother? You probably think the problem is your mother. Maybe so. I’m not there, so I can’t say for certain.

But let’s say that the main reason you and your mother don’t get along is your mother’s fault. Well, is your aunt’s parenting style any better than your mother’s? Before you move over to your aunt’s house, you need to know the answer to that question. Your aunt could be no different from your mother on the things that are important to you. In fact, she could be worse! If she is worse and you move from your mother’s house to your aunt’s house, only to discover that you can’t get along with your aunt either, then where will you go?

Now, let’s say that at least part of the problem is you. That’s the most likely scenario. Any time two people in a relationship can’t get along, it’s seldom all one person’s fault. But it’s always easier to see what the other person is doing to mess things up than it is for us to see what we’re doing. That’s just the way human beings are. If you leave home without fixing what you’re doing to contribute to the problems there (remember, the only person you can get to change their ways is you), then you’ll just carry those problems somewhere else. So you’ll have problems there, too.

For example, if you and your mother are having a hard time because you don’t want to follow her rules, you have to realize that your aunt will have rules too. Oh, they might be different from your mother’s rules, but she’ll have rules. And you won’t like all of them, either. Also, if you already know that living with your aunt is going to make it harder for you to live for the Lord because you believe differently, that’s probably a pretty big clue that things might not work out there. I really hope you can settle things with your mother. You have only one mother. And I’ve never talked to anyone who, even if they didn’t get along with their parent while he or she was living, didn’t wish they’d gotten along better with that parent after he or she died. And by then it was too late to fix things.

Please allow me to close on a personal note. Just recently I lost my father. And let me tell you what I’ve learned: No parent is perfect. But I’d much rather have my imperfect dad alive and with me every day than not to have him at all.

by DC Edmond